And I'm not sure whether I like it.
Leaving college/new job/newly single.
I left college unofficially on Friday (I officially leave this Friday but I start my new job tomorrow so that's taking precedent over college because this is why I've been training to do.) However, I am annoyed at college (to say the very least.) I've worked my ass off to leave with a minimum grade of MMM but what they failed to mention was that I have amendments to do from my first year pieces therefore, not getting a mark for them. (essentially I failed the first year, shouldn't have been allowed onto my second year but because I have, it doesn't matter for my second year grade because I've failed full stop.) so there's 2 years of my life wasted on that college.
Tomorrow I have my induction for my new job as an Assistant Funeral Director. Less of a job, more heading towards a career. Scared to death doesn't come close (forgive the pun.) My new job requires me to organise people's funerals, yes it's a bit of a given but not even I quite realised what this entails. I have to literally organise it to a T. Phoning churches, ministers, organising floral arrangement, chapel of rest viewings and little things like blessings and hymns. (And for anyone wondering, yes I will have to see the deceased. We have a chapel of rest at work and I have to arrange flowers and candles around the body ready for viewings.) it is not this point that bothers me. Oh no, what does bother me is the organisation part. I cannot organise my own bedroom, let alone a service to celebrate someone's life and passing. That, my friends, is what scares me the most.
This one bothers me the least if I'm honest, I'm just finding it hard to adjust to being on my own. I just got used to always having someone there, someone to have a chat to, someone that I could go and see when I was feeling down that now I truly feel alone. Don't get me wrong, I've got my friends and they have been absolutely incredible. If it wasn't for then I think I still, to this day, wouldn't have left the house other than for college and work. I just suck at being Aimee. Before I was content at only having to rely on me and no one else. I used to love it just being me. Not Aimee and Martin or Aimee and Ash. Just Aimee. But now I want to be Aimee and ……… . I feel the need to surround myself in people so that when we go out I can just blend into the background rather than be the one that stands out laughing and joking. I feel more comfortable with someone. But to be with someone I've gotta stand out, be the one that catches someone's eye. Have the confidence to tell someone how you feel about them but I can't do that. Not anymore. Too many times I've been totally screwed over/made a tit of myself/been rejected/had the friend zone chat. Truly sucks balls.
Sincerest apologies for the essay. Have a good day.